January 03, 2008 
By Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer
What do you do if your dreams in life are in conflict with this military lifestyle you have married into — in other words, in conflict with your spouse’s dream of a military career?
Let’s face it. Many of our life dreams do conflict with this military lifestyle.
You want to pursue a specific career field, moving up steadily in that profession?
You want to have a house and garden that you steadily work on to make it exactly the way you want it?
You want your children involved and connected with extended family on a daily basis, deepening the relationships over time?
You want to build wealth steadily to provide for a nice lifestyle and a comfortable retirement?
All of these dreams might seem to be in conflict with a lifestyle of constant moves — especially to remote areas of the country or out of the country — of frequently having your spouse deployed for long periods of time and of constantly giving up your job, your home and garden, your friends and family. So what do you do?
Well, you have three choices.
- Divorce. Not a great choice if you truly love your spouse.
- Convince your spouse to get out of the military. Of course, the challenge there is that if you ask your spouse to give up his dream, can you live with the consequences of that?
- Change your attitude and approach. Creatively figure out how to make this life work so you can work toward your dreams in some manner — within the construct of this military lifestyle.
Research shows that happiness in life results from going toward your dreams and goals — from taking action, from engaging in life. An important aspect, however, is that achieving the big dream isn’t what brings the joy; it’ s the fact that you identify what you want and you take action — in some manner.
It’s important as individuals to have something we do for ourselves that impacts our sense of self or our self esteem. When you move toward goals, the important result is that you become more in the process. You stretch; you grow; you become more of a person in the process of identifying and developing new interests in life.
Of course, we’ve had people suggest that when a person builds new interests that enhance their personal growth, his or her spouse might be threatened by the way they are changing. We once wondered aloud how our message to spouses — finding something for themselves — will work if they have a husband or wife who is unsupportive. When Holly’s husband, Jack, heard that, he said, “Listen to what you are saying. If a spouse doesn’t want [his or her] partner to be happy in life, there is something wrong with that relationship.”
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