ack - sorry about not closing the italics..thought i got that

Sorry for the late response. To start off, I was never complaining about BEING a stay at home wife or doing any of those duties that it entails. I was simply feeling under appreciated by him. I may have worded it wrong because I was a mess crying and such but what I meant exactly was the fact that he doesn't have to ASK for any of those things. Sometimes, I don't get to a chore if I don't feel good or if I wasn't home all day because of a fundraiser and he might say 'hey, please don't forget to put my PT's in to the wash'.. but other than that I'm usually on top of things. I never said it was a hassle for me to do any of those.. I'd be sitting on my butt all day so thank god I do have things to do. I do handle paying the rent and we both take the money out of the ATM 3-4 days in a row to pay the rent. He made it clear in the first place that HE would be doing that like he wanted but now I am the one handling it. I do not have a job right now.. I wish I could get a job here in Korea but it's just a little too hard when your un-command sponsored and there is a long list of sponsored wives in front of you. I left my full time job when I came here. I also cooked him dinner THEN when he wasn't working yet and I worked all day. I have worked plenty 12hr shifts in my life and cooked myself dinner afterwords.. and no... I don't expect him to cook for himself, but that will certainly be what he will be doing if he doesn't appreciate that dinner is hot and ready when he gets home. Just as I would hope he would say to me if the roles were switched. Marriage is a partnership. Everyone has their own views on what a Wife is supposed to do. I think when I'm back in the states and I have my job back that it should be more like a partnership getting things done. Yes, I will clean up when I get home and especially clean up after MYSELF but I will not expect him to do all the work on the weekend because I had to work! What about the full time working Woman? What about the Wife who is in the Army? He wanted me to join the Army.. and I politely said no thank you. I have my own views on why I would join the Army and I have my Daughter to think about who has been with her Dad while I have been here trying to make sure my Marriage is ok. I really honestly don't think he would calmly do half the chores I do without complaining about doing them. I have told him that myself.

As for the people who decided "well he works and he shouldn't have to do ANYTHING". That is fine. That's your opinion.. but one of my things.. when you have two small dogs that go on pee pads and they miss the pad... does that mean to just sit there and wait till I notice it? NO, it means get up off the couch and clean it. I don't expect him to want to do certain things but some things are just a given that you clean up after yourself. Like your boxers and a towel on the bathroom floor after taking a shower, or your jello snack cup on the coffee table in front of you, or your socks on the floor under the coffee table.. ect. Those things should not have to be done by your Wife. You are not a CHILD. Put your clothes in the hamper and your trash in the garbage. It's not that hard! Sometimes I wonder how the grass will be cut when we have a house together. We have talked about these things and he is understanding that I'm not his Mother or his Grandmother who wipes his butt. I do the things that I am supposed to do for my Husband without complaining. When he says I'm doing the bare minimum then that is just ridiculous and insulting to me when he doesn't have to lift a finger to do anything for himself.

We actually had a talk the night after I wrote this. He apologized for making me upset and that he doesn't want a divorce. He said we need to work things out and we have a child on the way to think about. Funny, I knew all this before he said it but it was nice to hear him say it and good to know we're on the same track. He did say that he saw my post on here and a few things the other women wrote back and he understands why I felt so upset. We use the same computer but I didn't actually think he would look at what I was doing lol. I don't need to hide anything so when he told me he read the post, I said good.. maybe you see what I see now!

I also cooked him dinner THEN when he wasn't working yet and I worked all day.

This may be part of the problem. Men do come to expect certain things, just as women do. He may have felt like if you could do it then, and you were working, then what is the problem with you doing it now? If he was not working and you were, then maybe that "marriage is a partnership" stuff should have come into play then. He should have been picking up some of the slack around the apt. My mom always tells me "don't start something you can't keep up". I agree with Bre and some of the other ladies in saying that wiht him working 12 hour days and you not working, you should still be doning 90 percent of the household work. And the other 10 percent that belongs to him should basically be him picking up after himself, and putting his clothes in the correct spot for YOU to wash. It is insane to think that he should come home after 12 hours and still have to wash his clothes, cook his dinner, AND prepare himself for the next day of work. All while trying to give you some attention as well. Working is stressful, we all know that. So when you come home, you want do be able to be in a relaxing environment. Even if you have errands all day long, its not hard to throw something in the crock pot to cook, or even heat up a frozen meal for him. I dont always cook, and I dont work, but I do have something available for him to heat up, whether it be leftovers or whatever. I dont know the nature of your pregnancy, but I was still able to clean house and cook, all thought my pregnancy, make it to all my appts (which was 3 times a week, I was high risk), and still managed to get some rest and allow him to come home to an inviting atmosphere.

Im glad your DH was able to see some of the things that the ladies on here said, and I hope he gets it and that yall have put forth a plan of action instead of just an Im sorry and then next week it starts right back up.

I'm glad he seems to be coming around! Sometimes I wish MY DH would get on here and read some vents about himself haha

Yeah, MzMissy.. I know what you mean. I wasn't saying I don't want to cook for him and stuff.. it was more about the fact that he didn't appreciate everything I was doing for him as a whole.. including picking up after him with things I shouldn't have to like trash on the coffee table when he has a snack that he gets for himself or clothes on the bathroom floor from taking a shower.

It would be awesome if this all worked out but I did wind up going home to Florida and he came home 3 weeks after and finally after making excuses not to see me more than 3 times since he's been home (a week and a half), not inviting me out anywhere he has gone, and going out drinking with his friends he has decided to tell me he wants to get separated again. I should have saw this coming after that argument in Korea but I really thought he was fine again. I'm actually going to post another thread because I need some advice about that because he still wants to do what he mentioned before about staying married and just getting the benefits. Totally ridiculous.

This sounds exactly like me. I'm in korea too. I can't take it anymore.

I clean up dishes with food in them left all around the house, dirty clothes everywhere I look, when he is done eating the dinner I cook for him every night he holds his arm out with the plate and doesn't say a word but mean "do something with this" while he lays in bed silently watching tv. Not bothering to compliment the food mind you. And when I say "why are you doing that? you have two arms and two legs" he just looks at me and then sets his dirty crusty plates down on the couch where they will literally stay for DAYS if I don't do something with them. That isn't even the worst of if thats like the least of it all.

Anyway I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. Like seriously I really do. Because I do love him, and he wasn't always like this. I don't know what happened. But if you wanna bitch about it ever I will listen just so you know.

Okay, first of all, your ages. My husband turns 21 next month and I turn 22 in a couple weeks. However, at my age and as a female, I am almost 30 in my maturity and he at his age is just reaching 16....

Also, you moved to a foreign country to an apartment he was used to keeping in his own way, etc. It may be making him feel a little crowded. Or you are keeping such high expectations of him, expectations he doesn't hold as high as you do, especially when he is working long shifts. When my husband works 12's, I don't expect him to do as much or anything at all and sometimes its hard to keep that in mind, but you have to try.

In a nutshell, I realize you are married, but you are on his turf, in his life over there, on his schedule....I don't think you should continue to hold these expectations and don't think you should impose on his lifestyle during this stressful tour. I think you both need to reach an impasse and agree to pause any further decisions until he is home and you will be able work these out in person without the stress if distance involved.

Also, I don't think you should have felt you had to fly there just to "save your marriage". It's not like he can end anything while he's there anyways. He may talk about ending it or being sick of it all, but you need to push it aside and wait till he comes back to address any issues and work towards resolutions.

My husband didnt appreciate me fully until he was deployed. We've worked the same 15+ hour a day job before, and guess who still made sure the laudry was done, guess who made sure we had food to eat, guess who still kept the house clean. I did it and didnt complain because i just wanted it done, thankfully my husband isnt a slob, so that makes things a lil easier. Since hes been deployed tho, hes really missed my meals and the other hundred small things that I do that add up to a large thing. When he was home for R&R I already noticed a big change, hopefully it'll continue when hes home for good. I think he turned 35 this year, and I'll be 32 later this year.

 Hello!

I just read your post and all the replies and I know that you are taking in every piece of advice that can help or has been helpful to you and your situation.

I just want to say that more than anything else, more than the laundry, dishwashing, pet-poop picking, money budgeting and all that, you should ask yourself if he makes you feel like he wants to make the relationship work and if he is not willing to let you go. When you sort things and your feelings out, then decide whether you want to live your life knowing either he does not really want to be with you but you want to stay with him, or he does want to be with you, but he probably just wants you to accept the flaws that you see in him. 

I also think it's not right to stay together for the benefits. 

Hi Jennifer! Hopefully maybe by now your situation has improved (?) since it has been 2 months since your last post. I totally do not agree with the statement that you should be doing everything just because your husband works 12 hour shifts. Society thinks women are GODs and that we have to do everything. There are tons of working moms out there, many working SINGLE mothers who still have to do everything when they come home. At my last job that I held for almost 3 years, I worked many 12 hour shifts and sometimes up to 15 hours a day and I still came home and had to do all the cooking and cleaning and then some. Right now I do not have a job while my husband is in training and yes I do most of the household chores(mainly because I'm picky and want things done a certain way) but I still demand my husband to chip in and do his fair share. Just because my husband brings in all the money currently does not mean he doesn't need to hold some responsibilities at home. It sounds like your husband is extremely immature and needs to grow up. I know it's always hard to walk away from someone you love but in your situation I wouldn't think twice about leaving him if that's how he acts. I could not put up with that. If you do end up not staying together I definitely would NOT just separate so he can retain the marriage benefits but I would divorce him and make him pay child support. You should be able to still get some benefits, especially for your child. Good luck and I hope everything works out!

I know you posted this almost a year ago, but sister if you haven't left yet and things are still crappy.... RUN. NOW!