Though things are falling into place, there is still a lot to be done. I'm doing my best to get things taken care of one at a time. It just seems that there is never enough time nor money. When I really sit and think about things... pick my life apart... I get kind of upset. Today is one of those days for some reason. I've had a really really great weekend so far, but the haze is wearing off and now it's back to reality... puke. Thing is... I don't want a lot. I just want insurance, a running car, my bills paid, and groceries... the normal things all people should have. I want happiness. I want to be content. I want to feel like I did this weekend everyday.

That being said. I know... I will have all of these things. I can do this. I'm not even "upset" right now. Just thinking. Just needed to get it off of my chest.

Please god... don't let the sky fall on my face again.

Amen.

Today I woke up to rain and thunder. I did not want to get out of bed. The snooze button and I are like "this" on mornings like today's. This really set my mood. All I've wanted is my bed and good music. Maybe a coloring book, too. :)

Other than that... absolutely nothing has happened today. I must say... I'm not complaining that there is nothing crazy to report on. <3

Must remind self. Hate is a waste of energy.

This was a good weekend. A few good things happened. For starters, I got some sunshine. Sunshine always makes me happy. I also have a real bed now and have a dining table. Thank you Matt and Shannon for helping me with that. I slept through the entire night for the first time in months. On top of that, I recieved a "Happy Basket" from a friend and a care package from one of my readers. THANK you! Those two things combined made me happier than I have been in a long time. The thought, the care, the time.... None of it went unappreciated, and yes, it will be paid forward. In general, I'm having a really great day. I feel optimistic. I love this feeling.

“Every man has a different idea of what's beautiful, and it's best to take the gesture, the shadow of the branch, and let the mind create the tree”

I like this right now.

It's really nice outside and I'm feeling a lot better. Not sure WHY because I'm having to borrow money for rent this week... at the same time, it just shows that things always work out somehow. I'm only short this week, anyway, because I had to take so many taxis last month, THEN had to fork up money for the car on top of it. After that and bills... I'm wiped out. Next payday should have me all caught up though. PHEW. That will be a relief. I'll have a car, I'll have my money in order, my bills will be paid. I will be as happy as a clam.

The other night unsaid person called in the middle of the night. I was sleeping and missed the call. The next day I heard the voicemail and it broke my heart. Someone stole money out of his account. PRETTY sure it was his brother. I won't say it is 100% for sure, but unsaid filed a report and whoever did it was dumb enough to just take it straight out of an ATM near his house. There are cameras! So he'll know soon. I think unsaid is just really bummed that family would do something like that. His life has been similar to mine. One thing after another. Can't seem to get a break. At the same time, I kind of feel like he brings some of it on himself. He refuses to do what he needs to to get out of the hole he's in. He doesn't listen to peoples advice. He just does what he wants. As far as he is concerned, thank god for Semper Fi Fund because otherwise he would have no car and soon no house. So, even though there is no one to save my ass... In the end I'm very thankful there is someone to save his.

Work has been interesting. I've felt my job is very shaky. The new boss came in at a bad time for me. I'm sure it looked great that I was having to hop rides, take taxis, and take time off to look at beater cars. She got onto me for being late a couple of times. I'm doing the best I can. She doesn't know me, though, and I don't expect her to care about my life... it just sucks. We did, however, have a discussion. As far as she says, I don't have to worry about my job. I hope that's the truth because the last thing I need is this to be taken away too.

My car is still kickin'. We've definitely bonded. Every time that piece of crap starts up in the morning I love it even more. :)

And my cat... Yea. My cat is in love with me now. And not just me... he loves my friends too. I don't know where the change of heart came from, but it's kinda nice. Maybe a little annoying, but I like not feeling so alone in that apartment! Melissa and I decided his new name should be Spot. She came up with it after I sent her a picture to try to think of a name and she noticed a big white spot on his nose. I just like it because it's very simple and easy. SPOT. haha.

Today I'm going to have a good day. I can feel it and I refuse to have anything less. If for no other reason than because the sun is shining bright today and that makes me smile. :D

I hate complaining so much, but I'm having a bad day yet again. I really don't want to hear about money when I'm afraid I can't pay rent on time. I don't want to hear about people's split ends when I haven't been able to get my hair done in about 5 months. I don't want to see what you just got on your latest shopping spree when my clothes are fading and falling apart. I don't want to hear about nice cars when I have a car that is about to explode. Just don't... I'm sorry, I can't handle it right now. I'm not even going to sugar coat this and make it seem like I'm ok with any of it because I'm just not. I go out of my way to be considerate to others, why don't others do the same? I'm in hell... just leave me alone please. No one gets it until they are in it.

I think it might be that time of the month or something. Either that or I am just impossible.

I hate this guilt. Everytime I'm angry at something it makes me feel like my chest is caving in.

I'm gonna be a morbid old wench one day.

I am a journalist working on a web based documentary project about the challenges spouses and families face as they care for a loved one suffering from combat PTSD. But I need some help.

My piece will be a twenty minute long video following the lives of three families from Ft. Hood, Texas as they navigate their feelings and the daily challenges of living in the shadow of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The finished website and documentary will be available online in mid-May. Prior to the release date I would like to add to the site the personal stories submitted from other spouses and families across the country. Hopefully the more voices we get the louder they will be.

The site will be released as soon as the documentary is completed and we intend to keep collecting stories and create a archive of these narratives. It won't truly be finished until everyone who suffers the secondary effects of PTSD and TBI submits a story. If the DOD admits that 600,000 veterans will return with these unseen traumas, how many spouses, brothers, mothers and daughters will be touched by these wounds ?– one million, three million? No one knows because no one is counting. Here's where we can start.

By offering to share your personal story with the world I hope we can lift the stigma surrounding seeking treatment, enlighten others to the challenges families face in as they sift through these scars of war and to show others that they are not alone.







If you want to help

Your story should be more about your personal experiences or feelings, not those of the veteran.

It should offer some insight to you -How you cope, what you experience,

changes to your family or way of life after PTSD.

It can be a recollection – something you and spouse enjoyed or shared before the

deployment that you no longer do - or just a fond memory of the day you first met.

It can be about a coping technique or hobby that offers you some healing or respite.

Are you an artist – it could be a conceptual work such as a painting that represents your emotions.

It could be song you wrote or a page from your journal or a more traditional narrative.

I can take video, audio, a photograph, a drawing, a painting or a handwritten letter or any combination.

Be as creative as you like.




Keep the videos short, less than 5 minutes long as a guideline – don't stress if it's a little longer or if it's only 30 seconds long that's OK. We are not about bashing the government. Reiterating a time line of the “military did this” or “the military did that” won't be conducive to the purpose of this site.

No personal contact information will be posted on the site.

Each post will be identified only by your first name and the State – if you don't want your name posted that's OK, but I need some type of identifier – Could just be a first initial or user name whatever you choose. I will need to keep a contact name and info on file, but this will be offline and secure.




If you have a YouTube account I can accept submissions here - http://bit.ly/d1tP5B

upload to your own account, then place the video in the WoundsWeb Group

Other submissions, comments, suggestions or questions please e-mail at

ProjectPTSD@Gmail.com




Thank you again,




Scott Gaulin

SAN ANTONIO (March 1, 2010) – Nominations for the 2010 Lockheed Martin Military Motherhood Award are open through March 22. The winner of the award, which honors military women in uniform and military spouses, will be flown to Washington, D.C., for the $5,000 award and special recognition ceremony. Anyone can nominate a deserving military mom.

Additionally, a public voting period for the Military Child Award runs through midnight on March 11. Voting will narrow the top 20 nominees down to five. A panel of judges will make the final selection. The winner will be announced March 16.

Nominate a military mom or vote for a military child at www.operationhomefront.net or www.homefrontonline.com.

“The price of peace is paid by the entire military family, and our military moms are often the driving force that keeps everything going,” said Jim Knotts, chief executive officer, Operation Homefront. “With this award, we honor their service and sacrifice.”
About Operation Homefront
Operation Homefront provides emergency assistance for our troops, the families they leave behind and for wounded warriors when they return home. A national nonprofit, Operation Homefront leads more than 4,500 volunteers in two dozen chapters nationwide, and has met more than 257,000 needs since 2002. Operation Homefront is a four-star rated charity by watchdog Charity Navigator. Nationally, $.92 of every dollar donated to Operation Homefront goes to programs. For more information about Operation Homefront, please visit www.operationhomefront.net.
About Lockheed Martin
Headquartered in Bethesda, Md., Lockheed Martin is a global security company that employs about 140,000 people worldwide and is principally engaged in the research, design, development, manufacture, integration and sustainment of advanced technology systems, products and services. The corporation reported 2008 sales of $42.7 billion.