I feel like I don't fit anywhere.

For the longest time I had a home with wounded warrior wives. We had a bond. We all dedicate our lives to taking care of our husbands. We had seen things most women at our age had never even thought of. We understood each other in a way that noone else could. I always had someone to talk to who got me. Though it's not a "club" anyone wants to be in, it's what god gave us and we had each other to lean on.

Now, my husband is gone. The thing is, my husband didn't die in Iraq. I didn't recieve the call that my husband was not coming home. My husband did not recieve full military honors at his funeral, and getting his death service connected is just another struggle. My situation is just... different. I feel like I don't completely fit in with the other widows, yet I obviously don't fit in with the wounded warrior wives anymore either. I'm recognized in neither place. There isn't a group of women that is easily found that lost their husbands after they had come home. I know they are out there, but where?

I truly feel like I lost my husband to this war. He would not have died at the age of 25 if he had not gone to Ramadi, Iraq and been hit by an IED. If he hadn't lost his leg there, he would never have had to take those strong pain medications. He never would have had PTSD and TBI. He wouldn't have been left alone in a PTSD therapy facility to die.

Sometimes I feel like he died, but nobody noticed.

In the end it doesn't matter, I guess. I don't know why I even worry myself with these things. I just loved him so much, and the thought that he gave his life for our country in the way that he did hurts. In silence, in a hotel room, on the pills that he was pumped full of.

And then me. With experiences much different than other widows. They can't relate to me. I really can't relate to them. We are all here alone without the person we love, but still it seems like we are worlds apart. I don't feel like I'm recognized as a widow sometimes. Even if I was... Even if I were more involved with them, what would we talk about? They waited months for their loved one to come home and they never did. I got mine home, but only pieces of him. They had babies their husbands will never see. I lost mine when he overdosed the first time. Their last memory was watching them leave on the busses to head to war. Mine is watching him leave on a plane to fight PTSD.

Where do we fit? Is there anyone out there like me? Sometimes I feel so freaking alone. No one in my life understands me completely anymore. I relate the most to my wounded warrior wives because they know that this is something that could happen to them. But, it hasn't. And sometimes it would be nice to talk to someone who has felt this.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at. I guess. I keep reading about other widows and what they're doing now that their husbands are gone. It seems like they have a lot of women to support them who have been in their shoes. Maybe I'm a little jealous. And I see headlines about fallen Marines all over the internet. And again, jealous. Cleve deserved to be recognized as someone who gave his life for our country. The difference with him is his death was dragged out for four years. Four years of agony, only to end up in the same place. In the freaking ground.

Again, none of this matters. It's just something I've been bottling up for a while. It started when they told me his funeral could not get full military honors. It's just been building since then. I'm not angry. Not at all. It's just another one of those things in life that isn't fair. Like our mothers always say, "Life isn't fair". I'm well aware of that by now.

Yes, I'm feeling happy recently. However, happiness is different than it use to be. There will always be a hole. I still feel a little shut off from emotion. I'm more hesitant to dive in. I'm constantly terrified of losing someone. Emotional pain scares me to death. Thinking about him is avoided a lot again. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in denial. Then again, if I am, I am ok with staying here for the rest of my life. Denial isn't so bad if you ask me.

But... really... I'm enjoying the life I have. I'm cherishing the people in it. I'm thankful for every breath, because I know it could all be taken away at any moment. My dreams are strong. I have tons of hope. What else could I ask for, really?

Today was supposed to be my first day of school. Financing didn't go through fast enough and I wasn't able to go.

That's ok, though.

If there is one thing I've learned, life does things it's own way. I've decided not to fret, but to be patient. I've already enrolled for Spring. Now I have plenty of time to make SURE financing goes through in time. In the meantime, I have a lot of spare time on my hands. A lot of things are going to change. I'm changing everything. I've thought about this a lot, and I don't want to sit and wallow in the life I'm never going to have again. So. Changes are a comin'. I won't go into details yet. I will just inform as they happen. Hopefully I won't have to sit here much longer.

I will say, I'm pretty happy right now. I owe it, quite literally, to the beautiful people in my life. They have the most amazing way of keeping Cleves spirit alive, while supporting me on moving on and being happy.

The trip to Anniston went really well. The night I got there I went to dinner with someone from BAE systems. We had Mexican food, which, you can never go wrong with. If you are what you eat, then I am from south of the border. I eat way too much Mexican. Anyway, I loved her. She put me at ease about being there.

The next morning I met up with her, then met up with her colleagues who were to present the check to me for Operation Homefront. I told my story (I was really nervous), and broke down a little (They were really supportive, though), and spoke about how important it is to have organizations like these. Operation Homefront does so much for military families and now has a Wounded Warrior Wives group. These types of groups are extremely important because the best support sometimes comes from people who are in your shoes, and these allow a place for the spouses to meet. From there we can vent, cry, laugh, and just be there for each other.

Basically what BAE Systems did, is they had five days where their company, worldwide, held some sort of fundraiser for Operation Homefront. They did everything from Wii bowling tournaments, to tacky tie days, to baked goods sales. I'm not positive as to the amount that was raised, but it's really cool to see people pull together for a good cause. I know this money will really help someone in need.

While I was there I was also given a tour of the place. I got to wear some funky steel toed shoes with my dress. That was attractive. Especially the socks. I'm telling you, I was hot stuff. And you better believe someone who worked there pointed out my runway worthy ensamble. The HR manager showed me sort of what they do there. Here is what I gathered... Big guys use big machines and fire to mash metal into puzzle pieces that eventually will fit onto a vehicle used over seas. Lol. Obviously, I had no idea what I was looking at, but it was really cool to see! I'd never seen a factory like that before. And amazingly enough, even though it was quite hot, everyone seemed very happy to be there. That made me happy.

Another thing I really liked about the company is that they realize sending their employees overseas to work can result in PTSD just like military. They are starting their own PTSD program within the company so that their employees do not have to seek help elsewhere. I thought that was really neat. They are also trying to hire more Wounded Veterans and are allowing them to use the services as well. More recently they are adding help for the families as well. I had a chance to sort of suggest a few ideas for that section of it. It seems like they really do want to make sure their employees are well taken care of, and the fact that they include the families in that as well, is very cool. I mean, really, if the wife isn't happy, nobody is happy!

So, I'm happy I got to help both Operation Homefront and BAE Systems in some way. Even if it was small. I'm also happy I spoke in front of people, even if it was a small group. That was way out of my comfort zone, but it felt good. People seemed to respond well, and hopefully it helped them see that their money is going to a good place.

On Octoboer 13th, 50 cycling enthusiasts will pedal from Phoenix to San Diego on a mission to make a difference by raising money for the Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund. The third annual Ride for Semper Fi is a 430-miles, three day trip. Their goal is to raise $177,500 for the Organization by the time they end the ride at Sea World on October 16th. To date, they have raised nearly $120,000. Last year, the Ride raised more than 150,000. Because the Marine Corps was founded in 1775, they thought it would really mean something to the Marines to make the goal $177,500 this year. This money will help pay for medical equipment, physical therapy and other necessary equipment, such as wheelchairs and prosthesis.


The riders will include injured Marines who have benefitted from the charity in the past. All the riders have devoted nearly five months to training for this event.


“We are not professional athletes or career fundraisers, but we are people who want to give back to those Marines who have sacrificed so much of themselves in order to fight for our country,” John Greenway, founder and chairman of The Ride for Semper Fi, said.

The Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund is a non-profit charity that has given more than $38 million in grants to more than 15,000 injured Marines and their families including ours. The Fund provides immediate financial assistance to defray hospital bills and recovery expenses. This fund has truly helped my family and many others that I know personally when we needed it the most. This is an amazing organization.

For more information about The Ride for Semper Fi, its next rider-fundraiser, or to make a donation, visit www.therideforsemperfi.com.

About The Ride for Semper Fi
The third annual Ride for Semper Fi is a philanthropic bicycle ride that begins in Scottsdale, Ariz., and ends three days and 430 miles later at SeaWorld in San Diego. Fifty cycling enthusiasts, including some former Marines, will complete the journey. The ride begins on Oct. 13, but the fundraising journey begins now with a goal to raise more than $177,500 to benefit the Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund. To donate to the Ride for Semper Fi, or to learn more about us, visit: www.therideforsemperfi.com.

Tonight I am headed to Anniston, Al. to accept a check from BAE Systems that is being presented to Operation Homefront. My friend Cheryl over at Wife of a Wounded Soldier (Listed at the right side of my blog), is now working for them and their Wounded Warrior Wives(You can find their group on her page) and asked me to do them a favor because the other girl that was going to represent them could not make it. Of course, I'm always wanting to help Organizations like this in any way that I can, so I am pleased to. Besides, it's a night out of the house! I'm always up for an adventure.

From what I've been told, BAE Systems participated in "5 days of fundraising" which was sponsored by them. It was a global effort and on the same 5 days in June, each BAE Systems site, across the globe, participated in some sort of fundraising activity for Operation Homefront. Tomorrow they will be presenting the check to Operation Homefront and I will be accepting it on their behalf. How exciting for them!

So, that is what I shall be doing tomorrow. I'm meeting with someone from BAE Systems tonight for dinner. I get nervous with things like this... What do I wear? Hopefully I have answers for any questions they have! Hopefully they like me? AH! I just want to represent them well.

It has been so intensely hot here in Bammy. My sister just called so I went outside to pace, because that's what I do when I'm on the phone. I got the first glimpse of fall and it was truly amazing. Yes, it's still overly sunny and hot. BUT, the humidity, for just a second, was so low. A cool breeze brushed across my face and it smelled like fall. I am so ready for cool nights with a sweater and a cup of something hot to drink. During the summer I hide, but during spring and fall, me and mother nature are like this. I cannot wait.

And... as the seasons are changing, so am I. The heat of summer, the horror of what happened this year, is moving into a calm peace. And soon, the year will be over, and I will start all over again. Hopefully next year the seasons won't be so intense.

Life... who needs a "point"? Just live it, and live it as good as you can.

Damn, I'm corny. ;)

GOD!

That man was my everything. I've never loved anything more. He had everything of me. I would have died for him. Then he died.

I will say, he never appreciated how much I loved him. He never let himself dive into love as much as I let myself from the beginning. There were other girls, porn, drugs. I don't even know what else. Then the injury took him to a whole other level.

I've been going through all of our things in the house. The things I'm finding aren't fun. He left so much that just show me that all my fears were true. All our fights were legitimate. I still love him. Too much. But it hurts.

I don't think I'll ever marry again. I hope I can trust again. I hope I can full blown, full out, give my heart to someone again. As of now, I'm pretty guarded.

And this? I wish these things didn't exist. I just want to think of him fondly. I hate this.

I have Sophie back! Her and the puppies are all doing well. I almost had a heartattack this week. That dog is my heart.

It's been four months.

I'm at a weird point in my life where I'm watching myself slowly move forward from the hell of losing Cleve, yet I'm still very strongly attached.

I don't know what to call this exactly. I think about him daily. Multiple times a day. But the pain is bearable. I've figured out a way to wrap my mind around this situation in such a way that I can both cope and move on with my life the best that I can. He's still in my heart. Really, I feel him all around me. I've realized that I don't need him physically in front of me to talk with him. I can talk to him whenever I want. And honestly, if I center myself enough, close my eyes, and really talk to him, sometimes I feel like I get answers. The first time this happened, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. It hasn't come back.

I still have my breakdowns. The 20th of every month is difficult. It makes me think a little more than I'd like. Sometimes something of his will bring back a memory. I will get shots of pain down my torso with random thoughts of him. I still talk about him like he's still around... laugh at the good times, snarl at the bad. But, for the most part, I think I'm doing pretty good. I've realized...People die. Every person I know has a date. I have a date. It's something I just have to figure out how to accept. Be happy I met them and had the honor of making memories with them. It's all anyone can do.

Recently I've experienced small bouts of guilt. Especially when I have a few good days in a row or when I realize... "Oh my god, I think I might actually be happy". I'm afraid I will "move on" too soon in others eyes. I don't know what people expect of me, but I feel like people are watching. I hate it. I know the best thing for me is what feels right TO ME. But I've always been one to care about what other people think. I'm a people pleaser, and this situation in particular scares me. Do they think I'm too happy? Am I complaining too much? Is this picture on facebook too smiley? I'm doing the best I can to just let it go. Let myself heal in the way it needs to. I suppose all I can do is hope that those closest to me are supportive, and hope that I have the balls to kick everyone else to the curb.

Anyway...I miss you. Thank you for being there even now.